Road Way Etiquette

Over the past 6 months I have found myself behind the wheel a good portion, about 40 hours a week for some of it. Needless to say I put a shit load of miles on my car as well as having to throw an even bigger shit load of money into the mother-fucker. But with all these miles and aggravating hours under my belt I was able to pick up on some road way etiquette that I wanted to share with all you bloggarians.

1) Go the fucking proper speed on the highway. We all know that for most highways the speed limit is 65, but we are also aware that no one goes that speed on the highway, people tend to keep their cars somewhere between 70-85. So go with the fricken flow of traffic or don't use the highway. Unless there are special circumstances never fall under the appropriate speed, the circumstances could be things such as: bad weather, car problems, too much to drink, warrant for your arrest..... you get the idea. If any of these fall into your category then fine, but stay in the fucking right lane with the grandmas and truckers. (For the picture I couldn't really get one that depicted a car going slow so I just found what the slow kids drive in, hope you understand.)

2) Don't spontaneously brake. This is one of the worst, people that feel the need to constantly tap their brakes while driving. News flash if you take your foot off the gas every once in awhile your car slows down automatically. There is no need to keep jumping back and forth from gas to brake gas to break. Its bad for your car for one thing and the continuous flash of your red brake lights can really cause someone to see red, if you know what I mean. (think about the image in the picture of there wasn't a lot of cars in front of the yellow one and he was still braking.)

3) Bobbers and weavers. I respect the people that can strategically pull off this maneuver without coming off as a complete douche bag, but those who can't do this without causing the people around them to slam on brakes or swerve to avoid collision is ok with me. (It might not look like it but the picture is actually a retarded woman depicting the act of bobbing and weaving.)

4) People on cell phones. Ok ill admit I tend to talk on my cell phone every now and then but I a. Don't stay on long or b. usually use a handless set (and not a gay one). Im talking about those people that chat away on their phone oblivious to all other traffic around them, merging without looking, going 20 miles an hour, swerving all over. Im talking about those fucking bastards.

5) This next category is me stereotyping because we all know that there is always exceptions, but I say be politically correct there and what does that mean you ask? It means majority rules, so if the majority of your category is guilty of this you all have to pay. This all being said if you are old, or a woman, or asian stay off the fucking road, and if you are all of these things never even look at a car because you can't drive worth of shit.

Now these are just a handful of some of the problems on the road. I believe them to be a majority of the problems however, so try to abide by them. And try to make our roads once again safe for people to be on their marry way.

Phantom Poops

This quiet and overlooked problem is most likely plaguing the world and no one has talked about it. Well I'm here to change that, once again, and get it all out on the table.

I'll start this off by telling everyone of you blogginers. A "phantom poop" is the mysterious occurrence when you get that overwhelming feeling of the ever growing urgency of a trip to the mighty throne to unleash the furry. When the feeling is too much to take anymore and you finally sit down to let out the unneeded minerals you all the proper feelings that signifies everything went as planned. But, to your chagrin when you stand to take a gander at your recent triumph there is nothing to smile at, just an empty boil of yellowed water (and hopefully some TP you dirty sallies out there). This my friends is a "phantom poop", no visual trophy for your moments of intestinal battle.

Even though this is a minimal problem, to some of us, it does cause your smile/devious smirk to turn downwards. And I know that your recently sculpted waste artifact is most likely just snaked its way curiously down its inevitable path prematurely, there is still a possibility that it never in fact existed. If the latter is the case then what did you just go through? hmmmmmm there you go, the mental gears are now turning, contemplating the possibility that you sit and give birth to an anal baby without actually doing so.

So keep this in mind next time you sit down and shed a couple pounds. Then once you turn for that visual and find nothing think about what you just went through and if it was all for nothing.

Then think what else do you struggle through to come up without any rewards.

Now thats life.

Go Fuck Yourself

Yea thats right I said it. Go Fuck Yourself.

Now don't get all up in arms I was just playing around, but didn't that get you a little POed (pissed off)? Thats because telling someone to go "fuck themselves" is a harsh comment. Not just for the very obvious reason that you are swearing at them in most likely a very aggressive manner but also using one of the most vulgar of swear words (fuck).

Which on a side note has become more and more excepted in society, is this because over all we as a nation are thinking and acting more in the gutter or because society is becoming more understanding of people's uncontrollable need to use profanity? Just some food for thought.

OK back to what I was talking about the term "Go Fuck Yourself". This my bloggulights is by far one of the worst things you can say to an individual. Not only are you swearing (quit brutally I might add) but you are also demanding them to go and preform some sort of hanus sexual act to themselves. Having this said, this was directed at a female that would actually be pretty sexy, unless this particular female was not in the proper weight to height ratio, which is not exceeding 5 foot 7 and 120 lbs. Then that in except-able, in fact encouraged. But, if this is said to a man, wahooooooo stop the presses because someone should be receiving a punch to a damaging bodily location within the next few seconds.

Because for one telling a man to go fuck themselves doesn't mean your saying, "Hey man you don't you go masturbate" you are telling them, "Hey man why don't you viciously go shove something in your ass repeatedly until it crosses into the threshold of sexual satisfaction" therefore, insinuating that person is in fact gay. And unless you are a gay man you should take much offense to this statement. In which you must now regain your dignity by either A) throwing fisticuffs or B) throwing back a better verbal lashing.

Taking another perspective on the matter you can also look at this statement as telling you that you in fact can not find anyone to "fuck" (or make love to for all those lovers out there) and you must then go and preform this act alone and most likely crying. Yes that is right my "friends" I just took this insult to the next level, the emotional level. You are now being told you are not capable of seducing or enticing the opposite (or same) sex to fornicate with you. Another huge insult to you as a person/all around human being.

So lets take a tally here:

You 1) are being told to shove something in your ass

and 2) being told you can't find anyone to place enough pity on you to privilege you enough to let you stick your member in them.

wow that is to quick slaps to the face to you my degraded brother.

tsk tsk

Don't let this happen to you.

Only you can prevent verbal lashings.